Stephen Harper News Conference Transcript

I hope you enjoy a bit of broken record inspired theatre.

Press Paige: Ladies and Gentelmen, Prime Minister Harper will now make a brief statement, followed by his taking your questions.

PMS: Thank you Cheryl, Ladies and Gentelmen there has been growing discontent with my government for the last month now and I am here to set the record strait. Nothing that has happened is the fault of the Conservative government, everything that is wrong with the lives of Canadians today is the fault of the previous Liberal government. I'll now take your questions.

John Mackney, CTV: Prime Minister, how do you respond to critics who say that in your most recent finance announcement you simply cut programs you as Conservatives didn't like as opposed to what was best for the country.

PMS: I'm glad you brought that up Jack.

John Mackney, CTV: It's John, sir.

PMS: Oh, I'm sorry John, but as I was saying it's the fault of the Previous Liberal Government.

John Mackney, CTV: Uh, the Previous Liberal Government forced you to cut programs?

PMS: Yes.

John Mackney, CTV: Could you.... Um, Elaborate?

PMS: I'd like to, but the Previous Liberal Government prevents me from doing so. Yes, Jana.

Jana Sampson, CBC: Yes, Prime Minister would you say that your cut in the GST, which has gone largely unnoticed by the general public, was a wrong move?

PMS: Let's be clear here, we didn't make that utterly useless cut the GST, the Previous Liberal Government did.

Jana Sampson, CBC: But sir, I have the copy of the bill right here...

PMS: That's just what the Previous Liberal Government wants you to think you're holding, in actuality you're holding a bowl of lettuce cleverly disguised to look like the GST cut bill. Ok, now on to Sam.

Sam Parker, Calgary Sun: Supreme Leader Harper, isn't it true everything that's wrong with Canada is the fault of that devilish Previous Liberal Government?

PMS: Finally a good question! I wish the rest of you in the pres gallery would learn from good old Sam here. Yes, everything that's wrong with Canada is the fault of the devilish Previous Liberal Government.

Sam Parker, Calgary Sun: I have a follow up if I may you're highness.

PMS: Of course Sam.

Sam Parker, Calgary Sun: Now given that the economy is robust at the moment, and that taxes will soon begin to fall in Canada, isn't it true that you're a God?

PMS: Well, Sam, you know I don't like to brag but... Well. Yes, I suppose it's ok to let people know the truth.

Sam Parker, Calgary Sun: Why do you think so many people don't see that my liege?

PMS: Well, Sam you know what I think.

Sam Parker, Calgary Sun: That it's those bastards in the Previous Liberal Government?

PMS: Exactly, now as much as I'd love to chat with you all day Sam, I have to move on to the others.

Sam Parker, Calgary Sun: *wispers* call me!

PMS: Ok, Lisa?

Lisa Willington, Toronto Star: Mr Prime Minister, you're Parliamentary Secretary Jason Kenney has admitted to misleading Parliament, will you ask him to step down?

PMS: Of course not! Everyone knows he only lied because he was forced to by the Previous Liberal Government!

Lisa Willington, Toronto Star: And how exactly did they do that sir?

PMS: I'm glad you asked Lisa, before those bastards left they haunted all of the government offices with ghosts of themselves! And they scared poor Jason so much, and thretened to raise taxes on his family 1/4 of a percent, which would obviously mean they wouldn't be able to afford a Porsche and would have to settle for a Lexus, *sniff* I'm sorry it pains me just to think about the horrors they had to endure, but anyway suffice it to say Liberals suck and Conservatives own. Last question goes to Julie.

Julie Cholo, Montreal Gazette: Prime Minister, do you expect anyone to believe this?

PMS: *chuckles* The Canadian people voted me in as their Prime Minister didn't they? How much stupider can you get?

Press Paige: Thank you Ladies and Gentelmen, Prime Minister Harper is very busy fighting those mean old Liberals today, so we'll have to say TTFN.