Here's the "masterpiece" With my own commentary added for sanity's sake.
Grits can’t buy love.
Finance Minister Ralph Goodale will put on his Santa suit tomorrow in a bid to distract voters’ attention from the scandals plaguing his Liberal Party. (Just as Stephen Harper has brought out this B.S. ethics package to fool voters in to thinking he has some.) Goodale is expected to open up a bag of tax cuts and new spending promises in what his party is selling as a “prosperity plan.” (Yeah, I can't see how fiscal responsibility could possibly breed prosperity.) The usually routine “fiscal and economic update” is taking on the tones of a children’s Christmas party. (You got that right, I could barely stand Solberg and Ambrose screeching like children when they didn't get their way.) The finance department has even planned a full lock-up to give the media and opposition MPs a chance to absorb Goodale’s update before it’s released to the public. That’s normally reserved for full-blown budgets. (Isn't it strage how months ago Goodale said this document was going to be more than your average economic update but no one on the right seems to remember that?) The Conservatives are plotting to shut down Goodale’s show tomorrow on a technicality, but even if they succeed, it’s only a matter of time before the Liberals trot out the goodies. (Yeah, I must admit that was a great move by the Conservatives, draw tons of attention to something they wanted to hide from the public. That's right up there with the P.R. coup of the century: O.J.'s vow to find the real killers.)
Plagued by the Gomery Report scandals and in imminent danger of being scuttled by the opposition parties, they desperately need to buy some affection. (Imminent danger? you make it sound like they'd lose a debate on policy!) The trouble is, recent events have shown Canadians pay a steep price when the Grits decide to start shelling out the cash. (They sure do, they get 8 strait balanced budgets, massive debt reduction which saves us tons of money on intrest payments, the most prosperous period in Canadian history! Why I'm shocked they haven't lynched the Liberals by now.) Goodale’s Santa suit is beginning to look frayed and grimy. (Much like Monte Solberg's hair) As with those Santas with bad breath who hand out flyers in parking lots, Canadians know, despite the illusion, he’s not there to give, but to sell. (Exactly, and there is nothing Conservatives hate more than poor people working to feed their families.) The Liberals, facing unprecedented wrath in the aftermath of one of the worst scandals in the nation’s history, (Correction, THE most overblown scandal in Canadian, no make that WORLD history.) are desperate to take our minds off the events that have driven public confidence in the government to a new low. (Um, you do know they rebounded in the polls, right?) How sad they would believe Canadians aren’t smart enough to see through their bag of cheap financial tricks. (I know eh? I mean offering tax cuts is the Conservative's cheap bag of dirty tricks, how dare they steal the Conservative's dirty tricks. Now of course the Liberal's tax cuts are actually responsible and fiscally prudent, but still!) Under the minority Martin regime, (Regime? What do you guys think this is, Alberta?) taxes have shot up faster than incomes as the Liberals dole out money in a thinly disguised attempt to buy needed voter support. (I honestly got nothin on this one, seriously how could I defend a party that only inherited a truly massive debt from their predecessors?) Despite Martin’s (Well deserved) self-congratulatory stance as a deficit dragon slayer, the Liberals have wandered far from the path of fiscal responsibility. (Which explains why we still have balanced budgets.) Canada has enjoyed relative prosperity the last couple of years, (Couple? Try eight) but the Liberals have been frittering the benefits away. (Well that's definatly true, we all know insanely rich people haven't been seeing the same benfits they had under the previous Conservative government.) “The Martin government has spent most of the fiscal dividend on policies and programs designed to redistribute money as opposed to fostering economic growth,” says a report by the economic (Right wing) think tank Global Insight. Sound familiar? That was the tactic the Liberals used when they poured a ransom into Quebec in a bid to buy that province’s loyalty after the 1995 referendum. (Yeah! That money was supposed to be used to buy Alberta's loyalties!) Instead, millions were wasted or stolen, creating enough anger in that province to bring Canada to the brink of yet another unity crisis. (Which is impossible currently as there won't be another election in Quebec until 2007, possibly 2008) The Liberals may think we’re gullible, (Well, they think Conservatives are.) but the last thing Canadians want to see is this dubious gang planning to waste billions more of our tax dollars. (Which is why the Conservatives will never again govern.) Goodale is also apparently planning to unveil some new tax cuts — which are long overdue — but we’ll believe it after we’ve read the fine print. (Here's what the fine print says: BELIEVE IT.)
What Canada desperately needs now are some serious reforms that will prevent another AdScam and give Canadians a greater say in how this country is run. (I agree, which is what the 2nd Gomery report is for, oh wait I forgot you don't care about that at all, you just want power. Oops, man do I feel sheepish.) Martin went into the prime minister’s office promising to fix the democratic deficit, but his lack of action has destroyed his credibility. (Once agin these guys are right on the mark, because everyone knows how co-operative the Official Opposition has been.) Even now, in the face of a confidence-destroying scandal, (Once again I inform you there are polls that were commissioned after Gomery's report, you know in case you care.) the Grit gang resorts to its worn, old strategy of buying votes rather than addressing the serious concerns that have shaken our nation to its foundation. (Yeah! That's the Conservative's strategy! HOW DARE THEY STEAL OUR STRATEGY!?!?! MY JUDGEMENT IS SO CLOUDED WITH RAGE I'D ACTUALLY TALK TO A GAY PERSON RIGHT NOW!!!) Goodale should put away the Santa garb. (Yeah, you're right, Props are for Stockwell Day.) Instead of tired ruses, what we really need for Christmas is a chance to go to the polls to tell this government what we really think about it. (That Being: We know you've had some problems, but since you are the ones that actually called the Gomery comission we know you are on track to fix them, so here you go, here are our votes.) Our nation is desperate for legislation that will end corruption and patronage and bring us long overdue democratic reform. (Damn right on the Democratic reform statement, we need to make it so that all electoral votes, um I mean seats are in Alberta from now on!) No matter how it’s dressed up, Canadians know Liberal largesse is nothing but an illusion. (The only thing that is an illusion is the notion that the Conservatives actually care about anyone but Alberta.) We’ve seen how costly it can be — in terms of both lost economic opportunity (Do you guys think about anything other than money? No? Ok.) and shattered faith in our political institutions. (My faith is so shattered, you have no idea. We finally have a chance to wipe the idiocy that is Conservatism off the political landscape of Canada FOREVER and Sheila Fraser ruins it.) We must not be fooled (Like we were in 1988) again.
Who writes this Garbage anyway, Monte Solberg himself? Why do they even bother with Journalists out there? Just let the Conservative MPs write the editorials. It would cut out the middle man, and we all know how interested Right wingers are at downsizing.
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4 comments:
woah woah woah. Just to clear things up, we're in Edmonton. But yea, we tend to agree, Calgary is crazy. :-P
We assure you, Edmonton is MUCH better than Calgary (and much less crazy-right wing) ;-)
In defense of my fellow Calgarians, we're not all stupid or ignorant. Moreover, I don't even think most of us are ignorant. Granted there are some dumbasses but most of them work for the Calgary Sun. If you look at the other Calgary paper The Calgary Herald, while it still leans right, it isn't choc full of dumbassity. Moreover, I think even here only a little more than half the people voted CPC last election. We're not as conservative here as people make us out to be.
Indeed, I would argue that wackiest wing-nuts are out in Ontario. Alberta conservatives are generally the "stop taxing" me type who are willing to accept the rest of the right wing agenda to avoid taxes. It's the Ontario ultra conservatives that seem to me to be the Kool-Aid drinkers.
-Socialist Swine
My apologies berta, I know what it's like to be lumped in (I would imagine most of Canada think we Atlantic Canadians are lazy.)
This was meant to be more of a tounge in cheek post, just to expose how the Sun is more a Conservative advertising newspaper than an actual news gatherer.
I have to admit I didn't know it was that bad, I knew they were a Conservative rag but thought they were more along the lines of the National Pest where they just took a small jab at the Liberals every now and then.
Well done.
I am a Calgary ex-pat living in the US, a red-state no less!
I have enjoyed watching from the sidelines and I guess I too never realized how crazy the Calgary Sun really was.
If anything it gives more reason to support greater funding for education, given that the Sun is written at a 3rd grade level! Perhaps as a greater proportion of the masses are educated they will leave the tabloid on the rack and move up to the Herald, or even the Globe!
Trouble is, there's lots of votes at the bottom of the ladder... something that should change.
A.L.
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